Bob and Todd's H2KP Halloween Ghost Stories:
"Don't Turn the Lights On!" by Todd Levin
"The Scare," by Todd Levin
"Shriek," by Todd Levin
"The Secret," by Todd Levin
"Dark Future," by Todd Levin
"The Ghost at the Foot of the Bed," by Bob Powers
"I Might Be a Failure," by Bob Powers
"Oh Jesus I didn't See You There," by Bob Powers
"Dead Kittens," by Bob Powers
"Alien vs. Predator," by Bob Powers
"Jerkface," by Bob Powers

“Don’t Turn the Lights On!”
A man and woman meet up at an art house theater for an Ingmar Bergman retrospective. He invites her out for drinks afterward, at a bar that had built its reputation on the fact that a famous author drank himself to death there.

With each drink, the conversation loosens, as do their inhibitions. They talk about politics, art, her women studies teaching fellowship at Barnard. She invites him back to her apartment and, as he accepts, he suddenly feels a cold breeze chill him to the bone. Someone had left the bar door open. “Fucking animals,” the bartender mutters, and the man and woman exit the bar.

They arrive at her building, then stumble into her apartment, which is pitch black. “You sure keep it dark in here,” he says. “What are you, a vampire?” She laughs. “Don’t be such a baby. And don’t turn the lights on!” He thinks he can hear her peeling off clothing as she makes her way to the bedroom. He feels his way along the walls. “Get in here and fuck me,” she says from the bed, “And don’t turn the lights on!”

They embrace, naked. They begin to make love, first slowly, then furiously. He cannot see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly, in the throes of ecstasy, he knocks over a lamp, which turns on, illuminating the room. The man looks down at the woman he is making love to, and immediately turns as white as a ghost. On her belly, as clear as day, is a tremendous tattoo of Hitler taking a shit. Hitler is giving the thumbs-up sign.

She looks up at him. “I was young. Come on, every girl goes through that phase,” she says, and then turns into a Dracula.

“The Scare”
A teenage couple hovers over a bathroom sink. They are holding hands. She is shaking, nervously. “I’m here. I’m here,” he whispers in her ear, repeatedly.

“Just a few more seconds,” she says. Tick-tock. Tick-tock. Tick-tock.

His face glows with delight. “It’s negative!” he shouts. “It’s negative!!”

“Oh, thank God,” she cries, barely able to contain herself. “I would have made the shittiest mom ever. Now tie me off.”

He ties the belt around her arm, and she does the same for him. And then they both put a whole shitload of heroin into their veins. But little did they know, a gypsy had put a curse on them and the heroin was poisoned with werewolf juice and also with black tar and so they both died instantly and she never had a chance to tell him that the pregnancy scare was just an April Fool’s joke, and he never had a chance to tell her that he was going to leave her if the test had come out positive. And also, there was a ghost in the shower and no one got to see it because they were both dead.

"Shriek"
Some of you in the audience will die from a horrible affliction that scientists still don’t have a name for. One of them has suggested calling it “Shriek.” Sorry about that.

"The Secret"
The show programs you’re holding? Well, they’re made out of pee.

"Dark Future"
According to current election polls, George W. Bush is still five points ahead of Kerry.

"The Ghost at the Foot of the Bed"
It was a dark and stormy night. Fred was spending his first night alone in his new apartment. Not long after he lay down to sleep he heard a noise.

Standing there at the foot of his bed was a middle-aged man. The man didn't say anything. He just lifted a gun to his mouth, shot himself in the head, and then disappeared.The next night, Fred was awoken again and saw the same man at the foot of the bed. The man lifted the gun to his mouth, and just as Fred shouted "No don't" the man pulled the trigger, his head exploded, and all evidence of him disappeared.

The following night, when the man appeared out of the darkness, Fred was quick to shout, "Why are you doing this?"

The man said, "Fuck if I know," and shot himself again and disappeared.

The next night, Fred shouted, "I command you to stop."

The man said "ooooh" and blew his head off again.

The following day, Fred did some exhaustive research on the apartment and its former tenants. He learned that the man who lived there killed himself after the woman he loved returned his love letters. Fred looked up the woman and out that the letters were returned automatically after the woman moved. The woman added that she was quite fond of the man and wished she had received his letters. When the man appeared that night, Fred shouted all this out to him very quickly just before he pulled the trigger. The man considered all that Fred told him, said "Pretty Sweet", and floated out the door and up to heaven where toys are free and everyone is in the nude.

"I Might Be A Failure"
Danny was walking through the woods late one night on his way home from a Halloween party. He'd been told these woods were a bad place to be alone at night, but he was late and he didn't want to upset his wife by being any later.

It wasn't too long before he found himself lost and shivering cold. The path he was following seemed to have disappeared, and he couldn't find his way back to it. But worst of all was the noises he heard in the woods surrounding him.

Was that a footstep or just a squirrel running through the brush? Was that a whisper, or just the wind catching a strip of pine needles?

Is that a monster coming towards me? Those clumsy footsteps, that panting breath, getting closer and closer and closer until…Danny's dog Roderick came bounding up to him. How he knew his owner was lost out there in the woods Danny didn’t presume to know, but Roderick would be getting a little extra kibble in his dish the next morning.

And that's when it crept up on him, seemingly from out of nowhere. "My God," Danny thought. "I had so many dreams and hopes for myself when I was a younger man and the way things are going I might never achieve any of them, not a single one!"

"Oh Jesus I Didn't See You There"
Max thought he was all alone. But when he turned around there was Maggie standing behind his desk watching him type.

"Oh Jesus I didn't see you there," said Max. Max and Maggie died.

"Dead Kittens"
All the kittens wanted to do was love and be adorable. Instead they were all chopped up and set on fire.

"Alien Vs. Predator"
Alien battled predator. Whoever won, we lost!

"Jerkface"
Jerkface was born with a face made out of a jerk. Everyone hated him, so he killed them.